Christ's Guide to Conflict Management: Sermon Ephesians 4:25-5:2

About 125 years ago in a little hollow on the West Virginia/Kentucky line, two families lived on opposite sides of a little river called the Tug Fork, the Hatfields on the West Virginia side and the McCoys on the Kentucky side. As the legends went, Floyd Hatfield accused Randolph McCoy of stealing a pig, but down deep the turmoil was over land and property boundaries. For the next 20 or 30 years the two families fought and feuded, creating a deep seeded hatred for one another, a hatred that became a part of Americana. This feud was fueled by retaliation, gossip, backstabbing, and dishonest tactics and led to violent outbursts that claimed the lives of family members on both sides.

Feuds between two opposing peoples are nothing new and violence as a solution to conflict is nothing new either, we one need to turn a few pages in our OT to find the story of Cain murdering his brother because of a feud. Today we only need to turn on CNN to see the constant struggle between the Israelis and Palestinians and other Muslim groups. We only need to pick up a newspaper to read about the struggle of feuding tribes in Africa, whose constant fighting costs the lives of millions of innocent people. We have to remember that each time a bomb is dropped or a rocket is fired there is sometimes innocent civilians who suffer in feud that is not theirs to fight.

Today’s scripture lesson comes from Paul’s letter to a new church in Ephesus, which is in Asia Minor or present day Turkey. Paul had just started up a new church there and was giving some advice to the new converts on how to live life in their new conversion. Paul also wished to stop and feuds before they started or before they progressed too far. Paul new that one thing that could be extremely damaging to a newly established church or even a long standing church was a feud. So Paul wanted to teach the new converts at Ephesus techniques in conflict management. Paul first explains what constitutes improper behavior and then provides a positive alternative. The best way to change a behavior is not to simply criticize and punish but to provide positive alternatives to feuding and fighting. Paul begins with the most basic of human behavior speech; he says to put away lies and falsehood and to embrace truth. Next Paul tells the Ephesians to resist the urge to retaliate but instead react in love. Finally, he tells them to be imitators of God and offer true forgiveness to those who wrong us.

Speech is one of the most basic of human behaviors; we learn to talk about the same time as we learn to walk. Friday, Angie and I babysat for some friend’s of ours their daughter Tatum. Tatum is about to be one and she is full of those baby words, ga-gas, goo-goos, and mamas and dadas. Even though her speech is just baby talk to us, I really believe she has a lot of words stored up in that mind just waiting to get out. The point is that even from a very young age we are programmed for speech communication.

Now, we all remember the saying “sticks and stones might break my bones, but words will never hurt me”. Unfortunately, we usually end up saying that after someone has hurt our feelings by something they said. The truth is that words are very powerful. The have started and ended wars, they have left many with hurt feelings and have caused and sustained many, many feuds. We all have fell victim to unkind words and even to lies and vicious gossip. I am amazed how quickly rumors and gossip gets around and gets distorted and when it is directed at us it can be very hurtful. Paul understood the power of words and so he wanted to warn the church of Ephesus about the dangers of words. Paul says to put away falsehoods and embrace truth. That is something that needs to be brought back in this day and age. There was a time when a handshake and a person’s word was all you needed, but today it won’t get you too far at all. So, Paul says to remain truthful and this is something that is pretty basic. We learn it from childhood, honesty is the best policy, don’t lie to your parents, or to your teachers. So, this is something that most are familiar with, but Paul goes a step further.

Paul says to use speech to build up instead to tear down. What Paul is talking about is constructive criticism, not to say that we shouldn’t stand up for something that we feel is wrong but to use positivity to change things instead of malice, lies, and gossip. This is no more evident than in the world of politics. This year is an election year and so we have been subject to and will remain subject to those commercials. You know the ones. “Don’t vote for my opponent, because twenty years ago when he was doing something else not in government he once did something that might be considered by some as bad.” We see people using words to tear down instead of building up. In America today we have the red states verses the blue states. Those who are “blue” think those who are “red” are ignorant rednecks, which have relations with their cousins barefooted, while sipping moonshine on the front porch with a bunch of kids, dogs, and chickens running around. While those who are “red” think those who are “blue” are tofu eating hippies in California, NYC, and Massachusetts, who smoke pot and dance around on welfare, of course neither one of these stereotypes are true. What if politicians and the rest of us for that matter would stop tearing down and start using words that express positively our criticism. Instead of saying “you’re so stupid why you would do that”say“Here let me suggest a better way of doing things.” You will begin to see that people are more apt to listen to positive criticism than negative hurtful words. You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.

The second thing that Paul warned the Ephesians about was retaliation. This is another basic human idea. It was the basis of many Old Testament laws, an eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth. It does seem fair and just. You do something to me then I will do it back to you, no more and no less, a tit for tat. This was the way things were for thousands of years until Jesus came around. Jesus said to turn the other cheek and when someone steals your coat give him your shirt as well. This was a radical idea. Two thousands years later a man in India named Mahatma Gandhi really puts it home when he says “An eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind.” Meaning that whatever we do in life we are going to do something to hurt someone. We are all guilty of doing something and so if retaliation remained the social norm then we all would be in trouble. Retaliation does nothing to solve conflict it simple perpetuates and more times than not worsens the problem.

Think of it this way. We all understand the concept of acids and bases. Most of us have played the homemade volcano taking baking soda which is a base and putting it in a bottle adding vinegar which is an acid and watching the fizz. What is happening is that base and the acid neutralize one another. The only things that neutralize an acid is a base and vice versa. If you add more acid to acid it is only going to make things more acidic, it only makes things worse.

Now take that basic chemical reaction and apply it to your life. Someone does something bad to you; maybe someone cut you off and flipped you off on the interstate. Maybe someone is suing you unfairly or maybe someone is talking behind your back. You can retaliate, which might feel good for a moment but usually makes worse in the end. Or you can respond with the opposite which neutralizes the situation. Respond to hate with love, respond to lies with truth, respond to anger with happiness and joy, it might take more love to destroy the hate, but in the end it will neutralize the situation. Respond to the harshness and hate of the world with love and true forgiveness.

Notice I said true forgiveness. So many times we say we forgive but we hold on to that grudge. It might not be visible but we still keep it in our hearts. I said it before and I will say it again that holding a grudge is like drinking poison yourself and waiting for someone else to die. It is deadly to the soul, it will eat away at you until you’re just a shell of the person you once were. True forgiveness is completely letting go, just as God does, forgiving and forgetting and forgiving even when forgiveness wasn’t asked for or deserved. There is word for this type of forgiveness; grace. Grace is forgiving and forgetting even when the person is spitting in your face, even when the person is still abusing you. When Christ proclaimed on the cross, “forgive them for they know not what they do” that is grace. When a family of a murder victim forgives a killer even when he is unremorseful, that is grace.

Paul said that we should be imitators of Christ and so we must manage conflict in the same way as Christ did. We must always be truthful in speech. We should stand up for what we think is right but we must use words that build up and are positive. We shouldn’t retaliate but battle hate with love. Finally, offer true forgiveness and let go of past grudges that hold you back from living a full life.

By the way, the feud between Hatfields and McCoys is over and they celebrate their families every year at the family reunion. Remember to be a Christian is more than just going to church and reading the Bible. It’s about living the life that Christ wants to live. Becoming positive people and becoming imitators of Christ.